“And one day she discovered she was fierce. And strong. And full of fire. And that not even she could hold back herself, because her (God-given) passion burned brighter than her fears.” – Mark Anthony
It’s been so long…
But I’m feeling that call to blog again.
Who knows how much or how often it will happen. But lately my thoughts and things I’d like to write about are just getting too long for Facebook posts. 😉
So… here I am.
Fearless is my word for 2018.
A word I never in a million years would have thought I’d be able to claim…
But I was praying for that kind of trust… and God answered. He took me places and stretched me, called me out into uncharted waters over and over. He showed me how trustworthy. And faithful He is.
He is enough. He just really is.
I can trust Him to always plan the very best for me.
Being fearless isn’t an absent of fear but rather a deep sense of trust knowing I can step out into the unknown because I know that the One who holds my hand has got it all figured out.
And now there’s this dream and a passion that keeps growing within me. I’ve felt it for a long time. But it’s so big.
Actually it feels too big – like almost impossibly big.
So I’ve kept pushing it down.
But lately it just does not want to stay down and I sense in my spirit I’m suppose to pray for the impossible.
And that scares me… cause this dream might take me far out of my comfort zone and require more of me than I feel I have to give.
It scares me because I do not have anything figured out, or even know all this dream entails.
I only know that it involves my gifts, deeper learning and people, – loving, supporting, helping and possibly sharing what God is teaching us, in some sort of form.
I’ve got some ideas of how it might all sort of, could possibly, maybe happen. lol But I truly do not know what even more than this first step might look like.
It’s going to take a “Yes, Lord. If you want me to push-off from the shore into the unknown once again, I’ll do it. Even if I have zero clue where this is all heading…”
Sometimes I wonder if maybe He just wants to see if I’ll listen… if I’ll trust Him yet again.
Maybe it’s never going to even turn out how I think it could or might.
Maybe He just has lessons for me to learn a long the way and what I see as a possible goal isn’t even the way He is going to use this dream in my life.
Maybe I’m suppose to step out in faith and pave the way for someone else to carry on the dream then.
I really have no clue. And that feels vulnerable. And a tad scary for this girl who loves to have at least something figured out before she puts too much effort into pursuing something.
This dream in any sense, would require me to pretty much kick any comfort zone to the curb. But if life has taught me anything it’s that big things do not happen inside comfort zones.
There is no changing the world stuff going on if I’m focusing on self-protection and comfort.
It’s just not going to happen.
I couldn’t ask for a more kind, supportive husband. He has listened and encouraged this dream of mine for quite awhile now. He has listened to my rumblings as I walked through so many doubts about it all… He encourages my gifts and cheers me on.
Yesterday I was pretty discouraged. I even wrote a friend, (with whom I’d shared this burning passion and calling previously), “Right now I’m pretty sure any dreams I have of anything except motherhood are just not going to happen. I just can not stretch. I’m sad.”
And I was. I was tired. I was feeling the weight of all these things that depend on me so heavily and feeling there just wasn’t anything left in me to even consider adding another thing to my “To do” list, which seriously is several miles long on a daily basis.:p
But friends, that wasn’t God talking there. That was Satan. I knew from the get-go that this dream and passion in my heart was going to be one that he was NOT going to want to happen.
And I knew that he was going to do all he could to fight me.
And he sure did. In the way he knew would get to me.
He’d make me feel incapable. Too tired. Too overwhelmed. Too imperfect.
Hey, you’ve all heard those things from him too, I’m sure.
You know those condescending words like, “Who in the world are you to be dreaming of something like that, you can’t even hold what you are doing together! Your kids were fighting all morning, you have toothpaste from days ago still in the bathroom sink, I won’t even mention the state of your kids’ dresser drawers, and that flour you spilled the other day in the cupboard and just shut the door, … ya, well, it’s still there. And goodness no one has worn matching socks at your house in like forever….” and on and on….
Ya. He’s nasty.
He knows where to kick us.
Then he’d make me feel that I’d be cheating those that depend on me if I pursued anything else. He knew that this second one would seal the deal….
Because you all know that motherhood is pretty much my life, (third, to only 2 things- my husband and my God.) And I never want anything to stand in the way of being all I am called to be as a mom. I mean NOTHING.
If my family is going to suffer because of my dreams. Those dreams would not be from God in my book.
And Satan used that.
And man, I almost fell for it.
But after a really long talk with my husband last night, things are clearer. And I’m going to fight Satan with truth.
I’m going to pray BIG prayers. Prayers that scare me.
I’m going to let that fire inside of me burn.
I’m going to dream fearlessly.
Im guessing some of you are also dreaming…
dreaming while you wipe that runny nose, pick up those legos or scramble those eggs.
And then you are rumbling with that dream after all the little heads are tucked carefully into their cozy beds at night.
Maybe it’s a dream that scares you too.
Maybe you, just like me, wonder if you have anything left to give to a dream or another calling since your arms, brain and laundry baskets are so down right full you aren’t sure you could cram ONE more thought, child, or stray sock in.
Maybe you just want to stay inside that bit of new normal comfort zone just a tad longer. Ya, I know that feeling well.
Maybe you are scared to say, Yes, because the last time you said “Yes” , God like totally took it and ran with it! I’m right there with you, (thinking of adopting four kids, leaving the comfortable familiarity of a church we’d attended for years, or that nearly a year of living in an RV… umm, ya, boy, what might God require of me next… ) these thought can really start flowing fast… and it can be scary.
But you know what, we are going to choose truth. We aren’t going to let Satan trick us. We are going to trust God with our passion, calling and dreams. We are going to set Satan right back on his … well, you know what… if he dares to mess with us.
We are warriors.
We are going to pray those big prayers.
And dream those dreams that we are truly incapable of on our own.
And I can’t wait to see what is going to happen.